all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
he quoted the bible to break up with me
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Randomize
