Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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