just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Randomize
