nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
