soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
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