Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Everclear isn't food dammit
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
