The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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