Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Randomize
