if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
