Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Randomize
