Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
