I accidentally had phone sex last night
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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