I saw his package. It spoke to me.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Randomize
