No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
