So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
