Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
