I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
