he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
