How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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