Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
