Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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