Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
