dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
