2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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