I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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