I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
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