You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
