Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
