I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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