My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
