I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
