Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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