i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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