I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
