They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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