How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
