I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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