she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Sober January is a disaster.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Randomize
