im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
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