I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Verdict: uncircumcised.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Randomize
