I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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