My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
