If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
