i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
