It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
