Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
