I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
