I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
