Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
