i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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