Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Randomize
