honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
