I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i may or may not be watching the land before time
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
