Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I just forgot I was standing up.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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