One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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