her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
