Heybabeimwearingurpanties
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
