Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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