so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
