the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
