Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
