Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
