so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
