Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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